March 6th, 2011

Since the PT told me that the area of concern with my knee is the extension, I have been working a lot on it and also I admit, worrying about it. What if I can't ever extend my leg? Then, I won't ever walk again. Crazy thoughts like that enter my brain mostly at night when everything is dark and more frightening.
Days are full of optimism and I keep myself busy with a lot of reading and writing. Instead of focusing on the wonderful rejections I receive from agents or editors, I started a new novel. Dark and full of suspense. A little like my life now.
Last night was awful. I took my brace off after hours of turning from one side to the other. And I put it back when pain woke me up every half hour. The pain shot from my knee up to my hip. It is not muscular. I've hiked enough and exercised enough to spot a sore muscle. Is it from the many the exercises I did yesterday? Is it normal? What if I can't ever sleep a full night sleep?
Then, as always when pain has kept me awake, sleep finally arrived early morning and I opened my eyes around 9:30 am which is for me late, even on a Sunday.
I had breakfast with my husband and kids and since it is raining I canceled my plans with my daughter. She was supposed to drive us down to town for coffee and a few errands. Although I am not in pain anymore, the idea of being in a car for an hour wasn't so much fun and instead my husband went so our daughter could drive.
I did my exercises and iced my knee while my son was sharing his school projects and even his college plans. He is fourteen.
Rain has stopped but the mountains are sealed under fog and maybe even snow. My friend Wanda left a comment on my last post. She went snow shoeing with friends yesterday and thought of how much I would have loved it.
While I am healing, sensory flashbacks roam in my mind: the mist on my face and legs on the Mist Trail, the hot breath of the late summer wind before Nevada Fall, the golden dust on my legs as I climb the switchbacks to Clouds Rest, the first ray of sun at the top of Half Dome after a moonlight ascension, the perfect turquoise water at Havasu Falls, and so many more that haunt my memory.
All whisper the same words: heal, heal, heal, we are waiting for you.